San Francisco: an idiosyncratic guide
for the goth-geek-freak-hipster-nerd


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Quease Zine

The topic at hand is San Francisco cuisine in general. Here's what I want to cover:

Preamble

While "authenticity" sounds nice in theory, I'm afraid that I rarely have "authentic" taste buds: "authentic" often seems to be a synonym for "really greasy" (e.g. with Chinese food or Mexican food). I make no apologies for preferring food that doesn't instantly coat the inside of my stomach (and/or generate heartburn, and/or induce headaches).

And anyway, the way that new cuisines are created is by adapting the traditional to new circumstances, and concerns about "authenticity" can just get in the way. Ideally, I want to see a little creativity in the conception, as well as solid execution (and the lowest prices possible).

But I reserve the right to contradict all of the above when discussing pizza and bagels.

Mexican - the San Francisco burrito

I'm not an expert on Mexican-style food throughout the world, but from talking to other people who've been around more than I have it's slowly been dawning on me that there's something unusual about FriscoMex. There's a sizable Latino population here, and there are many more-or-less "authentic" taqueria's, but the places that I'm interested in are the ones that have gone native a bit. The key options to look for are whole-wheat tortillas and black beans. If those are present, then you can look for interesting "ethnic" touches... There are many contenders, but I kind of like Azteca on Church near Market: I'm addicted to the Chile Relleno burritos, but they also have other interesting things, like their Chicken Mole (chicken in a mild -- and not sweet -- chocolate sauce).

By the way, SF burritos tend to be both huge and cheap. Expect less than five bucks for something that's big enough (or almost big enough) to feed two.

And if there are any non-food uses you find for them, I'd rather not hear about it.

Thai - just say yes

I'm unaware of any bad Thai restaurants in San Francisco. They're all over the place, and any one you see is likely to be excellent, and that's all I'm going to say on the subject.

You do know about Thai food, right? Coconut Milk is the trademark. Try the Tom Ka Gai (chicken soup with coconut milk).

African - east and west

There seemed to be a craze around the area for African food in the mid-80s which unfortunately has died down a bit, but luckily not so much that the good places have closed.

Try the Doro-wat (highly spiced chicken stew), which should be eaten with massive quantities of injera (a spongy, slightly sour, pancake shaped bread). The vegetable dishes are also excellent (I really like the carrot-oriented stews). The theory is that you're supposed to eat with your right hand (the left being reserved for other purposes in some arid climates). You tear off a small piece of injera, and use it to scoop up some food.

A few good places:

Vegetarian

Few places in California will leave the vegetarian stranded. But the purist that doesn't want to have to smell victim-flesh will of course find some options in San Francisco... I'm afraid I have trouble thinking of a lot of them though. Here's my list:

California/Nouveau

I can't say I understand what the difference is supposed to be between California and Nouveau cuisine, but it's hard to miss the fact that CA food is PoMo to the max, and you've got to watch it to make sure that you don't get served pancakes with pink yogurt, walnuts and radishes on top.

On the other hand, along with the mindless recombination of things that were not meant to combine, there's also a tremendous amount of creative work that goes on. (At this point I recommended The Flying Saucer, which is now long gone. What else?)

New York

In the old days, New Yorkers used to like to whine about the impossibility of getting good pizza or bagels out on the West Coast (and you know, I can remember when people used to complain about New York being dirty and dangerous). This is largely a fixed problem, I would say.

There are some excellent bagel places in SF these days. Katz's on 16th in the Mission is my fave, Levy's on Drumm near market is the fave of some other New York types I know. (And incidentally, ask someone from New York some time how they feel about "Noah's Manhattan Bagels".)

A note for the visiting New Yorker, though: nearly all of the locals think bagels should be toasted, and the people at the bagel places are in the habit of toasting them. You're going to need to tell them not to toast, and you may have to tell them emphatically, repeatedly, and even then you should keep an eye on them to make sure.

As for pizza, I'm less of an aficionado of pizza these days, but I think it's safe to say that someone with a New York palette will not be offended by "Escape from New York" in the upper Haight, or on Castro, or by "the Za spot" next to the DNA on 11th Street in Soma. We're not talking Sixth Avenue Ray's here, but I think this stuff is at least okay.

I don't claim to be an expert on SF pizza places (the best in the area that I know of is probably Vito's, way down in the south bay area). You might be able to do better than these... But if someone gives you advice on Pizza places, make sure you find out where they're from. I still can't fathom the California conception of what "Good Pizza" is.

Vietnamese - friend or Pho?

Vietnamese food has long been a favorite of mine. Viet Nam, before it became a chess board for the US and China, was occupied by the French, and the influence shows in their cuisine. The more expensive places (and sometimes just the moderately priced ones) are in the habit of using very fresh ingredients, which are never overcooked the way they tend to be in Chinese food.

The cheaper places (which usually rely on "Pho", or noodle dishes) are admittedly a mixed lot, where you need to order with caution. Something with "beef" in it may really be "tripe", and should probably be avoided... in fact I avoid anything on the menu that doesn't explicitly say what it is ("prawns" are good, "seafood" is a bit scary). Some places over-do the MSG (practice with me now: "No MSG please!"). And if you're a cilantro hater, you might want to watch out for that as well.

I've often wondered why it is that other people seem to have a block on Vietnamese food... I had a theory that it involves some kind of guilt reaction left over from the Viet Nam war, but that seems to be changing, at least in the SF Bay Area. There's been a number of more upscale Vietnamese places in recent years, and it's been a long time since I heard someone make whispered comments about dog meat. But that's not what people say, of course, what they actually talk about is being paranoid about eating dog-meat (come on, a Vietnamese restaurant in the US is *not* going to serve you dog-meat).

But there are now some very slick, very popular Vietnamese places, e.g. "The Slanted Door" on Valencia St (sort-of). So maybe it's all changing, and Vietnamese will be the next Thai food. (And since I wrote this, even more Vietnamese places have opened up in this area, so maybe I called something right for once).

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Note for caffiends: Vietnamese coffee is usually served in a drip filter, on top of a small glass with an inch or two of sweetened condensed milk. You can't guzzle it immediately, you've got to wait for it to go drip-drip. Then you stir the coffee layer into the condensed milk. You then optionally pour it over a tall glass full of ice. This opens up a whole new dimension in bean-worship. It is never available as decafe.

Okay, so it's time for one more list:

Desserts/Candy

I've already talked about Sweet Inspirations, a place in or near the Castro, on Market Street. If you've never seen a slice of cake to rich to finish by yourself, you should visit this place to be convinced. The selection changes a lot, and they're fairly creative about it (though sometimes in that silly California way).

But I find that I've only talked obliquely about See's Candy, though. This is a fairly sizable California chain, that apparently hasn't changed their formula in ages. I frequently wander into one of them on impulse, and select a half dozen or so pieces. They always throw in one or two free samples of other stuff (they don't seem to care how small the order is). The total is usually something like $3 for more candy than I feel like eating over the next couple of days.

You'll encounter Sees places all over... I find that most often I wind up going to the one on Market on the north side of the street, between 5th and 4th I think. One of the few bright spots of the "Lower" Market, I suppose. There's also one out on Polk, north of California (near the end of the Cable Car line I've talked about). And there's also one near the Berkeley Bart Station.

Oh, incidentally, many people seem to be fond of the "Just Desserts" chain. I don't think that much of it myself, but if "Sweet Inspirations" does you in, you might look for one of those. There's one on Church street, near Sparky's, right next to the "Muddy Waters" over there.

Oh yeah, coffee

Okay, so the coffee house thing has caught on and spread nation-wide, and you wouldn't think there's much to be said about it, right?

Most (though not quite all) of the "cool" coffee places are run by members of one arabic family... I've heard the founding member called "Ramsey", beginning with the (now defunct) Horseshoe in the lower Haight, though I'm not sure if that's his first or last name.

This isn't exactly a secret... a bunch of these places have shared names, for example "Muddy Waters" or "Jammin' Java". On the other hand, it's not exactly advertised, either... many of the places have unique, one-off names, like the "Horseshoe" itself. They all carry the same kind of coffee ("Max's Blend", or something like that, and no not "Maxwell House"), and it's all brewed the same way, pouring the liquid through the coffee grinds twice. The second time through may not up the caffeine levels all that much, but it definitely makes it seem stronger.

Usually you can identify a Ramsey-style place by the decor: ultra-cheap, using lots of dark-stained plywood, often in the form of benches against the wall and sometimes used as flooring. And there ain't no goddamn formica.

For me though, these places are identified as much with what they don't make an effort to control as with what they do... the music and the art on the walls all seems to be up to the local staff, and I think this is always a better idea than rigid corporate control of the environment. If all chains were this relaxed and unpretentious, I'd stop complaining about chains.

And of course, tea

There's The Japanese Tea Garden, in the middle of Golden Gate Park, roughly around the 12th street area. To find this place you probably need a map of the park: look for one of the posted ones if you don't have one of your own. The hours of the tea garden are 9AM to 6:30 PM, and the general admission fee is $2.50. The tea house itself is a little crowded at times.

The Imperial Tea Court on Powell Street, near Broadway, in Chinatown. A great place, which just does Tea in a few different classic chinese styles, which they will gladly explain to you in depth. No scones, no biscuits, none of that stuff, so think of it as a post-brunch stop. They're only open during the day,

And there's also "Lovejoy's Antiques and Tearoom" for the complete British tea experience, on Church St, in Noe Valley, a few blocks south of 24th St. This place doubles as an antique store (all the furnishings are for sale), and yes, the name appears to be an intentional reference to the books by Jonathan Gash.

"Samovar Tea Lounge" has opened up at 18th and Sanchez. Excellent food and tea in the moderate/moderately expensive range, and while the atmosphere is slick enough for the slicks, it's toned down enough so that it doesn't offend a reverse snob like myself. Cool music, on the slow and trancey side. Monday-Friday: 7am-10pm; Saturday-Sunday: 8am-10pm Reference

american

The latest trend seems to be American "Comfort Food": Slicked-up, over-priced places selling fried chicken and yupped-out mac-n-cheese. Myself, I do not find this comforting, but you might take note of a place on Valencia called "Spork" (which occupies a former Kentucky Fried Chicken) and "The Front Porch" down on 29th Street, a few blocks off of Mission St.

If you'd like some pointers from me to real American food, you may have to wait for my long-awaited guide to The Misunderstood Diner.

Next: Net-withdrawl

Joseph Brenner, 13 Jul 2008